As Promised

I told you all that I would give you an update on how the appointment with the surgeon went yesterday, sorry I didn't do it sooner like I said I would.  Things went really well! The surgeon was really nice and seemed to really know his stuff (very important if you are going to cut on me, LOL, even with just lasers).  He is going to do a endoscopy on me and look at my gallbladder to make sure there are no problems, already got that scheduled.  I also have to schedule a psych evaluation, which is standard for weight loss surgery, but if you don't hear from me after that for awhile you know they called the men in white coats to take me away! Hehehe.  Once all of that is done, we wait for my insurance to approve it and the surgeon feels certain they will.  So, it's not happening next week or anything but chances are it will happen soon!

Sitting there in the waiting room after meeting the surgeon, waiting for paperwork and future appointments to be scheduled, I felt excited and hopeful for the first time in awhile.  There was a lady there who had her three month old son with her and I suddenly started thinking that it may not be too late for me to have a family of my own in the not too distant future after all! I am not all dried up yet! Maybe when I look good I will find some man who will love me.  I always said that I would never lose weight just for a man, I figured that any man who required it would never be worth the effort and any man worth the effort would never require it! I realize now that I may have grossly overestimated men! :) I may not be a supermodel, but I still deserve to be loved and respected for who I am as a person.  And who that person is and is becoming is worth the effort to know and love and yes, sometimes, even put up with.  I used to feel that I had so much inside of me to give to the right person but would never be able to give it and that made me feel sad and angry.  I KNOW I am capable of unconditional love, support, faithfulness, caring and everything else relationships require.  Maybe I will get the chance to prove it one day.

Regardless, my main reason for going through with the surgery is for ME! I want to be healthy and able to enjoy all life has to offer!

Dreaming
by @Mary Jo McCauley

You'll never know all the tears I've cried
As I watch your life from the outside.
Nose pressed into the glass wishing I would
Be let in.  Knowing you'll never know I'm even there.

I want to be the one holding your hand instead of her.
To feel what it is like to be close to you.
I want to be the one hearing your voice on the phone
Just because you want to hear mine.  There is so much
I will never get the chance to say.  It feels like
I am dying a little each day.

I would tell you how special I think you are and
That you are so much more than just some far
Away star.  I would tell you how I want to know
All about you, the good and the bad.  That I would be happy to
Be just a friend.

From me you have nothing to fear.  You are
Somewhere I could never be.  We'll never meet
and it's all just a sweet dream.  I thank you even
For that.  And I know I will find the strength to
Let it all go.

Be well and be happy.  Love and be
Loved.  That is what I want for you and
No matter how the time passes I will
always care.

24 Hours

Can 24 hours make a difference in your life? I am counting on it! Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery.  I am scared and excited! Maybe I am expecting too much from this surgery, but something has got to change and this seems as good a start as anything.  As far as I am concerned the sooner this surgery can happen the better.  I am looking forward to a whole new life and all the things I will be able to do again that I haven't in years.  Life is pretty empty right now with just me and my thoughts and fantasies, spending the day cyber-stalking Leonardo DiCaprio and hating to hear about his dating life; wishing I could be part of a world that will never be open to someone like me.  Never fear, I haven't gone around the bend and decided to stalk Leo in real life; I know the difference between fantasy and reality.  I just prefer the fantasy at this point and the reality hurts.  I am trying to get a grip, I really am, while at the same time trying to figure out what started this whole schoolgirlish obsession with an actor when I am far from a school girl?

I have made one decision though, come Spring semester in the new year I am starting to take some theatre classes.  I have to put all these feelings to some use! I hardly think you will ever be seeing me on the big screen or small, but a few classes can't hurt.  My shrink says I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of drama.  I have been thinking about that because drama and chaos have been all I have known for as long as I can remember.  It is the environment I have learned to survive in.  Really though, why drama? Why can't I skydive or bungee jump like any normal adrenaline junkie? Maybe shark dive or learn to fly a plane? There are things about me that remain a mystery even to me.

I guess that is all I have to say for today.  I am off to either be ok for the rest of the night or listen to my iPod and retreat into my fantasy world; dreaming of a different life and all the things I would say to the one person I want to say them to most.  I will post tomorrow after I have more info from the doctor.  Thanks to anyone who actually reads this.

This Has Been On My Mind Lately

Commitment! I know to achieve my weight loss goals, or any goal, I have to stick with it.  But can I? I believe with God's help I can, but I also know me and there are times that I want what I want so badly that it scares me.  My hope is that I will make the necessary sacrifices in the short term to achieve what I want in the long term.  What is it that I want? A whole new sense of myself, a new confidence and level of self-esteem.  I want to be able to get out and enjoy life and do the things I want to do.  I am not sure what all that means yet, but I believe that it will become clear to me in time.

My biggest thoughts on commitment have to do with relationships.  For me, and others, as a Christian you make a commitment to Christ and you know He honors that with a commitment of His own to you and He will never leave you.  Some people are afraid of that because it means surrendering your life to Him.  It's not always easy, I'll admit, but it is always worth it even when it doesn't feel that way.  To me that is one of the key aspects of any kind of commitment, you don't base it on feelings.  Our feelings will ebb and flow like tides, they can't always be trusted.

You can say the same things about human relationships as well.  What makes some people so afraid of commiting to a person? There are probably those who are leary of the responsibility, others probably see it as a loss of freedom; particularly the freedom to "date" other people? Maybe some feel it will get boring over time? Well to all those people (and you know who you are) I say you are looking at the whole thing wrongly.  True freedom is found in taking that risk and loving someone unconditionally and letting them love you the same way; the good, the bad and the ugly! To those who wonder if this is possible, remember this is based on choice and not solely on feelings.  You can choose to love someone even if you don't "feel" like it, you can choose to stay even if everything in you wants to run.  You can choose to do every last possible thing to make it work and then try it all again.  People give up too soon! Maybe learning to fall in love over and over again with the same person for a lifetime is the real blessing.  We have to live for things bigger than ourselves or our lives become very small.

Time to Begin

I have had this blog set up for awhile now and have put off actually writing anything, but I want to start now.  First the title, I know it is kind of self-explanatory but I will shed some light on it.  Well, basically I am fat girl with a thin girl inside of her; and no, it's not because I ate a thin girl! But I am taking a positive step forward, in two weeks I meet with a surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery.  I am both excited and a little scared as I take this next step, so I thought it would be good to chronicle my journey.  I know there is no reason for anyone to care and maybe no one will, but I still plan to write.

I guess I should tell a bit more about me other than the fact I am fat.  Ok, it's time to get brutally honest instead of hiding, which is so easy to do online.  I am 39, single, no kids, I am currently on disability and live with my mom.  That even sounded pathetic as I wrote it.  But lest anyone think that is all there is to me, it isn't! Most importantly, I am a Christian.  Yes the born-again, evangelical kind! That won't change so just accept it about me and move forward :).  However, I don't claim to be perfect and no one out there knows how flawed I am better than me.  I wish I always acted and spoke the way a good Christian should, but I don't.  God loves me anyway and that is something to cling to! What else. . . oh! I am currently going to back to school to earn a B.A. in history.  So I am attempting to improve my life and circumstances.  Also I have a niece and nephew that I adore! They live right up the street from me and I get to see them all the time! I love that.  I am always a bit sad when they go home after I babysit.

Now, here is the biggest reason I am writing this. . . this is my only outlet! I have no place and no one else to turn to really.  And I desperately need an outlet right now.  I am not sure what is going on with me! I tend to feel things strongly but it has been awhile since my emotions felt this raw and on the surface.  I feel on the verge of tears all the time, even if it never shows.  I get all sentimental over the dumbest things too.  What set this off you may ask? I think it has to do with a celebrity "crush" I have.  I gave up feeling anything for men I actually know ages ago.  When you look like me men aren't interested and unrequited love hurts.  The fantasy of someone who I will never actually meet became easier, there is no rejection.  The problem is reality always slaps you in the face in one way or another and that hurts a lot too.  What are you supposed to do then? You are in a mess that is all your fault! You know better than to let your mind go there, but it feels good to imagine being loved and wanted when you never have been.  So when the hurt hits you like a ton of bricks you are left standing alone.  It's not like you can tell the person you would swear you are really in love with what you are feeling! They aren't really there.  So, for someone like me, regardless of the situation that is causing such strong emotions, you are stuck with them - forever it seems; because you can't tell the one person you really want to.

There is another aspect to this secret inner-life of mine and it has to do with who I am there versus who I am for real.  See, no one ever really notices me in real life, a lot of them notice my size but none of them really see ME, who is more than that.  But in my not real world everyone notices me.  I am beautiful, sexy even! (I know, bad Christian! I will slap my own hand later).  I am also smart, funny, talented (I would love to act and sing and I can't even sing), famous, loving, kind, generous,wanted, loved and, of course, thin.  That is the thin girl living somewhere inside me.  This is who I want to be! I also want romantic, candlelight dinners on a beach with Leonardo DiCaprio but that will never happen.  I guess I also just gave away my crush, LOL! Well, I said I would be honest and not hide who I really am, so there it is.  My thin girl wrapped herself in a big fat suit that keeps her isolated from the world in a lot of ways, it lessens the things she can do and fail at.  I have rarely told anyone this but in high school I took a techniques of acting class as an elective, just for fun.  The teacher (whose name I can't remember for the life of me) couldn't rave about my talent enough! She was always telling me I should try out for the big school productions.  I figured if she knew so much about acting talent what was she doing teaching a high school class in a nowhere town, so I blew her off.  I wanted to believe her though and do what she said, but as the fat kid everyone made fun of I was so afraid of rejection that I never tried.  And all these years, and pounds, later it's not like Hollywood would open its arms to me, LOL!

I am not saying I have any real talent to speak of, but I have felt for a very long time that there is someone much bigger (not physically) in me that I am supposed to be but I don't know who that is and I'm missing it.  Perhaps the eventual shedding of the fat suit will help me find her.  So my journey starts and I hope at least a few of you out there will take it with me! I can promise you all that I may sound crazy in this post, but I am perfectly sane :)