Time to Begin

I have had this blog set up for awhile now and have put off actually writing anything, but I want to start now.  First the title, I know it is kind of self-explanatory but I will shed some light on it.  Well, basically I am fat girl with a thin girl inside of her; and no, it's not because I ate a thin girl! But I am taking a positive step forward, in two weeks I meet with a surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery.  I am both excited and a little scared as I take this next step, so I thought it would be good to chronicle my journey.  I know there is no reason for anyone to care and maybe no one will, but I still plan to write.

I guess I should tell a bit more about me other than the fact I am fat.  Ok, it's time to get brutally honest instead of hiding, which is so easy to do online.  I am 39, single, no kids, I am currently on disability and live with my mom.  That even sounded pathetic as I wrote it.  But lest anyone think that is all there is to me, it isn't! Most importantly, I am a Christian.  Yes the born-again, evangelical kind! That won't change so just accept it about me and move forward :).  However, I don't claim to be perfect and no one out there knows how flawed I am better than me.  I wish I always acted and spoke the way a good Christian should, but I don't.  God loves me anyway and that is something to cling to! What else. . . oh! I am currently going to back to school to earn a B.A. in history.  So I am attempting to improve my life and circumstances.  Also I have a niece and nephew that I adore! They live right up the street from me and I get to see them all the time! I love that.  I am always a bit sad when they go home after I babysit.

Now, here is the biggest reason I am writing this. . . this is my only outlet! I have no place and no one else to turn to really.  And I desperately need an outlet right now.  I am not sure what is going on with me! I tend to feel things strongly but it has been awhile since my emotions felt this raw and on the surface.  I feel on the verge of tears all the time, even if it never shows.  I get all sentimental over the dumbest things too.  What set this off you may ask? I think it has to do with a celebrity "crush" I have.  I gave up feeling anything for men I actually know ages ago.  When you look like me men aren't interested and unrequited love hurts.  The fantasy of someone who I will never actually meet became easier, there is no rejection.  The problem is reality always slaps you in the face in one way or another and that hurts a lot too.  What are you supposed to do then? You are in a mess that is all your fault! You know better than to let your mind go there, but it feels good to imagine being loved and wanted when you never have been.  So when the hurt hits you like a ton of bricks you are left standing alone.  It's not like you can tell the person you would swear you are really in love with what you are feeling! They aren't really there.  So, for someone like me, regardless of the situation that is causing such strong emotions, you are stuck with them - forever it seems; because you can't tell the one person you really want to.

There is another aspect to this secret inner-life of mine and it has to do with who I am there versus who I am for real.  See, no one ever really notices me in real life, a lot of them notice my size but none of them really see ME, who is more than that.  But in my not real world everyone notices me.  I am beautiful, sexy even! (I know, bad Christian! I will slap my own hand later).  I am also smart, funny, talented (I would love to act and sing and I can't even sing), famous, loving, kind, generous,wanted, loved and, of course, thin.  That is the thin girl living somewhere inside me.  This is who I want to be! I also want romantic, candlelight dinners on a beach with Leonardo DiCaprio but that will never happen.  I guess I also just gave away my crush, LOL! Well, I said I would be honest and not hide who I really am, so there it is.  My thin girl wrapped herself in a big fat suit that keeps her isolated from the world in a lot of ways, it lessens the things she can do and fail at.  I have rarely told anyone this but in high school I took a techniques of acting class as an elective, just for fun.  The teacher (whose name I can't remember for the life of me) couldn't rave about my talent enough! She was always telling me I should try out for the big school productions.  I figured if she knew so much about acting talent what was she doing teaching a high school class in a nowhere town, so I blew her off.  I wanted to believe her though and do what she said, but as the fat kid everyone made fun of I was so afraid of rejection that I never tried.  And all these years, and pounds, later it's not like Hollywood would open its arms to me, LOL!

I am not saying I have any real talent to speak of, but I have felt for a very long time that there is someone much bigger (not physically) in me that I am supposed to be but I don't know who that is and I'm missing it.  Perhaps the eventual shedding of the fat suit will help me find her.  So my journey starts and I hope at least a few of you out there will take it with me! I can promise you all that I may sound crazy in this post, but I am perfectly sane :)