24 Hours

Can 24 hours make a difference in your life? I am counting on it! Tomorrow I meet with the surgeon to discuss weight loss surgery.  I am scared and excited! Maybe I am expecting too much from this surgery, but something has got to change and this seems as good a start as anything.  As far as I am concerned the sooner this surgery can happen the better.  I am looking forward to a whole new life and all the things I will be able to do again that I haven't in years.  Life is pretty empty right now with just me and my thoughts and fantasies, spending the day cyber-stalking Leonardo DiCaprio and hating to hear about his dating life; wishing I could be part of a world that will never be open to someone like me.  Never fear, I haven't gone around the bend and decided to stalk Leo in real life; I know the difference between fantasy and reality.  I just prefer the fantasy at this point and the reality hurts.  I am trying to get a grip, I really am, while at the same time trying to figure out what started this whole schoolgirlish obsession with an actor when I am far from a school girl?

I have made one decision though, come Spring semester in the new year I am starting to take some theatre classes.  I have to put all these feelings to some use! I hardly think you will ever be seeing me on the big screen or small, but a few classes can't hurt.  My shrink says I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of drama.  I have been thinking about that because drama and chaos have been all I have known for as long as I can remember.  It is the environment I have learned to survive in.  Really though, why drama? Why can't I skydive or bungee jump like any normal adrenaline junkie? Maybe shark dive or learn to fly a plane? There are things about me that remain a mystery even to me.

I guess that is all I have to say for today.  I am off to either be ok for the rest of the night or listen to my iPod and retreat into my fantasy world; dreaming of a different life and all the things I would say to the one person I want to say them to most.  I will post tomorrow after I have more info from the doctor.  Thanks to anyone who actually reads this.